Sometimes I Am Scared

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I feel like I have made some pretty significant realizations this week. This post may be a little generic at times…that’s only because I am still trying to figure a few things out….

Sometimes I am scared to lose weight. I realize that I have been able to hide behind my weight for the last 15 years and not deal with any emotional issues I have, so I sabotage myself when I start out on a good path. I will go really strong and hard, get to a weight I haven’t seen in years….and then I will binge eat for a week. NO MORE. I am done. I know you have all heard it before and I don’t care whether you believe me or not. I know, in my heart and soul, that I am done sabotaging myself. DONE. I wouldn’t do this to anyone else, why the hell am I doing to myself?! As of today, I am 18 days vegan and 54 days without alcohol. Let me clarify that my drinking wasn’t out of control. In fact, I only drank about once a month or so….but when i drank, it was balls to the walls and I went all out. I decided I was going to give up all booze for Lent and started early. After Easter, I will enjoy the occasional drink on special occasions, but that’s about it. As far as the vegan part goes, I feel more determined than ever. I feel amazing when I eat vegan and I am not giving that up or ‘cheating’ anymore. And when I feel like I want to eat something I shouldn’t, I remind myself that I am not only doing it for me, but for the animals that don’t have a voice. I am an animal lover…why the hell am I eating them?

For the first time in 15+ years, I stood in front of the mirror, naked, and told myself that I may not like what I see, but it’s what I have to work with right now. AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVED MYSELF! I am not where I want to be (yet)…but it’s where I am at. I am doing things to make changes and that’s all I can do right now. I didn’t collect all this baggage overnight and it’s not going to disappear overnight either. This is a life long journey. Sometimes, that sucks….but that’s the way it is. Sometimes I want to give up, but I can’t. I WON’T.

It’s ok to be broken…as long as you realize it and try to put the pieces back together. That won’t happen overnight, but it WILL happen and sometimes the pieces don’t go back the way they were and you see a different picture.

I hate waiting for potentially exciting news.

Just as I am starting to question certain things, I have friends that help me see through the muck. I really do have an amazing family, awesome friends, and humbling officers.

Go do something nice for yourself…you deserve it.

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