Overwhelmed (Thursday, March 26th, 2015)

Everything is a bit overwhelming right now. Today is my final day of the prep phase of S4L and I am down to 247. I am very happy about that! I also attended my nutrition class today, which is basically the introduction to the weight loss phase of the program. Enter the anxiety and overwhelming feelings. This program is strict…and will require A LOT of planning on my part due to my crazy schedule. I know it will get easier and I know this isn’t going to be easy. I am up for the challenge, but it has definitely been a ‘few hours at a time’ kind of day. I have tomorrow’s meals planned and I will be asking for advice on how to simplify things when I go in tomorrow as well. I will get through this….I HAVE TO!!!!

On an another note, my amazingly awesome friend Katie game me a shit-ton of S4L supplements that she didn’t use. She told me she had some stuff at home and not to buy anything until she brought it to me. I figured it would be a bag or two of supplements. Ummm….no. It’s a bag and two big boxes packed FULL of stuff. I can’t even tell you how much money she is saving me…and how much relief I feel knowing that I will be able to keep up with all the supplements now (they are pricey!). I have no clue how I am going to repay her…but I will figure something out. I have some ideas, but since she is a new stalker of my blog, I can’t post them here. I LOVE YOU KATIE!!!!

This isn’t only a physical journey that I am on…it is mental as well. That being said, I changed someone’s name in my phone tonight to ‘NOT WORTH IT’. It’s going to be difficult, but I have to distance myself from this person for my own sake. I will always be there for him as a friend…that’s just the person I am. I have to draw the line somewhere, though. I let myself get emotionally attached and well, that wasn’t supposed to happen. As unintentional as I hope it was, he hurt me. I am not going into the details…that’s between us.  I will be a cautious friend, but the chase is over.

Whew! I feel better already!!

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And So It Begins….

I have started journaling again and have been debating for a few days whether or not to post my journal entries on my blog. Well, tonight, I decided I might as well…I can always leave some things out if need be. I am scared to death to do this, but maybe that’s a good thing. These posts are sometimes going to be raw, funny, boring, explicit, and maybe hard to read for some people. This is my journey…as honest as it gets…opening myself up like this is a big step, but I am ready.

Here is my entry from Tuesday, March 24th, 2015:

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have given up on myself so many times in the past…probably because I feel like being fat is my punishment for everything bad I have done in my life. NO MORE. I am human, I will make mistakes and that’s ok! I will learn from them and move on. My food addiction is out of control. Today, I am gaining power. I am taking control of food rather than it taking control of me. I joined Slim4Life and today is day one. My starting weight is 251. Two-fucking-fifty-one. What the fuck?!?! How did that even happen? I don’t know…I really don’t. When people talk about addiction, they usually forget about food. I am a food addict. Let me say that again…I AM A FOOD ADDICT. And I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself or I can get off my ass and do something about it. I choose the latter.

I was so tired this morning and I really wanted to sleep in. But, I didn’t. I went to the dog park with Bailey and Bronx and walked 2.46 miles in 52:52 (I was taking it pretty easy for the most part). I came home, ate breakfast, and then prepped my food for the next few days. My steps goal for today is 5438 and I have already passed that. I will stay strong, remembering myself that it’s all

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

And if that’s overwhelming, then it’s one hour at a time. One meal at a time. One minute at a time. I am excited. I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am strong. I am beautiful. I AM ME. And I will learn to love me again.