Starting Over….again!

As many of you know, I started a 60-day Reboot a while back. I felt great for about 10 days…then I started getting sick all the time (I will spare you the details). In being an advocate for my health (since apparently my doctor and her staff no longer are), I dove head first into the internet to attempt to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

I will spare you all the details, but it appears that I have Hashimoto’s. I have known for a long time that I suffered from hypothyroidism, but didn’t know that it could get worse. What I also didn’t know (and I will be honest, I partially blame my doctor and her staff) is that things such as raw kale, cauliflower, broccoli, dairy, and gluten are all HORRIBLE when you have Hashi’s/hypothyroid. The fact that my doctor KNEW that I was doing a 60-day reboot and even looked through the program yet I was never warned about those raw veggies being bad for me is really annoying. When I called the doctor’s office and spoke with a nurse, she said it didn’t really matter because I was refusing to take my meds anyway. I kindly told her that she is welcome to shove that shit down her throat, but I am not going to be shoving it down mine. I truly believe that there is always a natural way to do things. I don’t want to be on medicine for the rest of my life when I can naturally heal myself.

Joe Cross to the rescue AGAIN. I nearly immediately went to his website because I feel like they have really done their research and know what they are doing. Oh look, they have a 60-day Reboot specifically for thyroid issues. I initially wasn’t going to do it because it’s $450. Then I sat and thought about it. I was so in over my head and overwhelmed with what I could and couldn’t eat, that I needed help. Desperately. And if I didn’t get it, I was going to give up…history was just going to repeat itself. So, I signed up. I have a meal plan, grocery lists, a secret group on the website, webinars, and recipes galore. And so it begins.

Today is Day 1. I got up early and made my food for the day (I am in the eating/juicing phase) and I plan on taking the dogs for a walk this afternoon after work, prepping my food for tomorrow, and getting to bed at a decent hour. I slept like crap last night because I had to do a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea (which there is no way that I don’t…but, you know…insurance companies). It’s just not comfortable sleeping with wires and a nasal cannula hooked up to you.

Anyway, that’s where I am at. Everything I have been doing to make myself healthy has just been making me more sick, so HUGE life changes are in store for me. I am looking forward to the challenge now that I have so much help. That Joe Cross, his staff, his website, and his success stories are truly life savers. Without a doubt. This is NOT a death sentence…it’s a wake up call. I WILL NOT turn 40 being fat, sick, and nearly dead. I refuse. Depending on the day, that’s 2-3 years away…right Amanda? Ha!!

Here’s to a new journey! A gluten free, dairy free, almost vegan journey. Feel free to follow my blog and join me. It’s bound to be entertaining. 🙂

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Saturday, I Lost.

Seeing as I have weekends off now, I can now make plans for my days off without worrying about them getting canceled because of work or because I am just straight exhausted. My anxiety (or lack of interest) is just about the only thing that sometimes gets in the way. That’s exactly what happened Saturday night. I tried to fight it, but I lost. Big time.

I went to a hockey game Friday night with my dad and several friends. I had a great time even though the Mavs lost. I laughed, cheered, and socialized and it was as fun as it always is. Of course, I got to see some of the officers I used to work with and I always love seeing those guys and gals!

Saturday night, I was supposed to meet a few friends, and some people I don’t know, out for a few drinks. I was having a pretty good day, but had spent a lot of the day swatting away the bad thoughts that creep into my mind. When it was time to get ready, I tried. I put my jeans, a tank top, and a t shirt on and knew that my jacket (security blanket) was in the dryer. My jeans were tight. My belly was bloated (thanks Mother Nature!). I immediately start to get anxious and grow more and more uncomfortable by the second. I step outside on my deck to calm myself and instantly realize that it’s way too warm outside to wear a jacket. And then it happens. I start crying. The negative thoughts get the best of me. I get mad and frustrated. So, I got undressed, put my lounge clothes(read PJ’s) back on and sat on the couch and cried. I texted the two people that I knew were going to be there that night and I was honest about why I wasn’t going to show up. That was really hard for me to do as usually I just make an excuse or ignore text messages. They continued to try to get me to come out, but I listened to my demons and stayed home. They assured me that nobody was dressed up, that I could wear a hoodie and be fine, and that they don’t care what I look like. While I appreciate their efforts, it’s not about any of that. It’s about the demons in my head. It just got worse from there because then those demons told me that I was the topic of conversation at their table and that if I did change my mind and show up, people would just feel sorry for me. ‘You will be an embarrassment to them.’ All things that are not true, but it’s nearly impossible sometimes to convince myself of that. So, I ate. It doesn’t matter what I ate, just that I did. And it wasn’t healthy.

Anxiety is disgusting. It’s the devil. It has severed relationships. It’s usually unexplainable. It irritates my friends and family. It makes me believe that I am a burden. It causes people around me to get frustrated, sigh, and even just walk away from me. It never goes away. Some days, it’s completely controllable. Other days, I lose. And losing is a slippery slope. Like Saturday night, I bottomed out. I turned to food again. I am not perfect. I lose sometimes. And when I can’t do something, no one is more disappointed than me. I never know when it’s going to hit me and I do have coping mechanisms but sometimes, those don’t work. If I randomly ask you to talk to me about anything, please don’t ask about my anxiety. If I ask you to take a walk with me, just please go with me and don’t ask me about my anxiety. I just need help getting my mind off of it and I want someone there in case I pass out. Don’t remind me about times in the past that I had an anxiety attack (yes, people do this) or tell me that it’s all in my head or to just ‘get over it’. It only makes things worse. If you see me tapping on my knees, know that I might be struggling, and just talk to me about anything. Please remember that anxiety is not just an emotional thing either…there are physical side effects that go along with it as well.

Every day is a new day. The only option I see is to pick up the pieces are start over. Although it sucks, losing is ok sometimes. I have to live one day at a time. And when that’s too much, it’s one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one moment. Whatever it takes to get through the day and start fresh the next day. Some day, I hope my losing days are few and far in between…and I know they will be. They already are better than they used to be. A friend posted this on Facebook the other day and it fits perfectly. If you know someone that is struggling, please reach out to them, even if they push you away. Let them know you aren’t going anywhere. Trust me, they need the support. And when they aren’t very lovable, love them anyway for that’s when they need it the most. IMG_3736