I Failed Him

This came up in my FB memories a few weeks ago and I have been thinking about it ever since. I thought about posting something on our wedding anniversary, but I wasn’t ready. I am really not sure that I am even ready now…but I can’t sleep and it’s weighing on my mind.

fullsizeoutput_3afWhen the above post popped up FB, it stopped me dead in my tracks. All I could do was stare at it, cry (ok….there may have been sobbing), and continually repeat ‘I failed him’ about 137 times and it’s been on my mind ever since.

When this was originally posted, my now ex-husband had been home from his deployment for a few months. To say that we struggled is an understatement, but we were trying our best to get through everything. When he posted this, I really didn’t think much about it. Now I can’t stop thinking about it.

I failed him. I was so wrapped up in my own mind, I didn’t see the meaning in this post. I didn’t know that he had other hurdles. I honestly still don’t know what they were….or maybe still are.

I.

Failed.

Him.

How could I not see how bad he was struggling at the time? Did I see it and ignore it? I think he came home in February…and it took until June for him to be able to enjoy his walk with me and the dogs? What the fuck was I doing? Oh, that’s right…..failing him.

Our marriage was far from perfect. We had our moments…but it wasn’t all bad. I can look back and smile at a lot of things, and that makes me happy. Actually, I randomly heard our wedding song the other day and I smiled…and shed a few tears. I can also look back and see how horribly I failed him. The details are between him and I…and I am not sure either of us can even accurately describe it all at this point. That doesn’t matter anymore, really. I failed my husband when he needed me most.  I was so wrapped up in my own world, a world that I learned to survive in without him because of his deployment, that I didn’t see the signs. The same signs that I was trained as a dispatcher to pick up on when talking to a citizen on the phone or an officer on the radio…yet I didn’t see the signs in my own husband. He tried hard to make our marriage work…we both did in the beginning. But eventually, I failed him. I gave up trying. It was too much work and my feelings just weren’t the same. My mind was too wrapped up in losing weight, working all the damn time, and who knows what else. I didn’t make my marriage a priority. I failed him.

We eventually agreed to counseling together. I wanted it to work…I really wanted to fall in love with him again, but deep down…I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Too much had happened between us. I was ruined. He was ruined. We weren’t ruined together, though. Neither of us would allow that to happen. I shut down…so did he.  I cried when I was home, in my car, and even sometimes at work. I was depressed. I cried some more and eventually knew there was no turning back, so I filed for divorce. It took a while, but it was finalized towards the end of 2014. He has since remarried and now has four children of his own (for anyone doing the math, I think he adopted her three and they have one together) and I am really happy for him. We don’t speak to each other; there’s no need to.  I hope that he has found true happiness. And while it takes two to make a marriage work, and in reality – we failed each other- I hope that he knows that I finally realized just how much I failed him. And for that, I am sincerely sorry.

As much as it sucked, I wouldn’t change any of it. If I did, I wouldn’t be where I am at now. So, this is in NO WAY meant to get his attention or me trying to get him back. We were not made for each other, and that’s ok. Hopefully he and his new wife are. And hopefully she doesn’t fail him like I did.

Make peace with your past, folks. Let go of what is weighing you down…and let your soul fly. 💕

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