The Truth About My Addiction

When I started this journey, I promised myself (and others) that I would be honest about everything while being completely transparent. While I haven’t been dishonest about anything, I don’t think I fully explained everything either. As usual, I held back to hide my addiction. Well, here goes nothing.

Last week, I was able to spend some time talking with a friend of mine. She asked how I was feeling, we talked about my surgery, and we started talking about comments people made to me when I told them I was having it. Stuff like ‘But you’re so pretty already’ or ‘You aren’t THAT big’ or ‘I need to have that surgery’ (from a thin person). We talked about our own struggles and we both shared our stories. We learned that we are both binge eaters. I never really tell people that. Most people just think I ate poorly. That wasn’t my issue. I binged. A lot. When I went to McDonald’s I ordered at least two meals. My Taco Bell tabs were usually over $20. I ordered a family meal from Pizza Hut on a Friday and it was all gone by Sunday. Those are definitely things I have never told anyone. Sometimes, if I was going to dinner with friends, I would eat McDonald’s on the way there, then eat at dinner, and then sometimes even stop somewhere on the way home. Talking to me friend and knowing that she truly understands this addiction helped me come to terms with this. It gave me the courage to fully admit, to everyone, the full truth about my addiction. Standing before me was a beautiful, intelligent, old souled, open hearted woman who carries herself such amazing confidence, that I ADMIRE her! And yet she struggles like I do. And she has the same mind fucks I do, so she really does understand what it’s like. Her sharing her story gave me the courage to really accept this reality and be transparent as promised. Yet another reason I adore her! She’s awesome, even in a vulnerable moment, without even trying!

Would you have been perfectly fine not knowing the full realm of my addiction? Yeah, of course you would. Why do I share? Because I want people to know they aren’t alone. I am done being ashamed of this addiction. There is no reason to be ashamed of anything. I have always felt so alone when it came to my eating habits. I isolated myself because I didn’t want people to know what I was doing. I didn’t binge in front of people. I always did it alone. I hid in bathrooms, I raided cabinets while people weren’t looking, I snuck food all the time. Sound familiar to anyone? It’s ok…you aren’t alone. And coming to terms with the fact that you have an addiction is the first step in changing your life. There is help available, and it is a real problem. People that tell you differently are just fooling themselves. Please, reach out to someone. And tell the fat shamers to fuck off.

*Steps off soapbox*

My one month appointment went well last week. While I didn’t  hit my goal of losing 26 pounds, I did lose 21! I haven’t done my measurements yet (it’s been hectic around here), but my clothes are definitely fitting loose on me! I am now on soft foods, so it’s been interesting introducing more foods into my diet. I am gaining my energy back and feeling pretty good these days. I have also been released to start exercising, so I think I am going to start running next week. I have missed it…I just hope it’s nice to me!

That’s all for tonight….this chick is TIRED. Take care of yourself and be nice to each other. This world needs a lot more kindness and love. Be a part of that…not the hate.

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